Friday, October 07, 2005

Mommy Don't Play That

Jackson picked up a stack of books at the library on a variety of animal subjects: Horses, lizards, birds, cats, dogs--and rodents. Specifically mice, hamsters, rats and gerbils. My name should have been Noah, because I have owned two of every kind of animal when I was a kid. Dad didn't care. Jackson's mommy, my darling wife, is stripe of a different color--and Jackson knows it. When I read him bedtime stories, he picks from the horse stack; but when it's mommy's turn, out comes the rodent book.

Mommy comes downstairs at five of eight and I hand her a steaming cup of fresh coffee. The boys and I are sitting at the kitchen table. Jackson has eight plastic lizards in formation around his cereal bowl, and Emmett is shoving a spoonful of yogurt the size of his fist into his mouth.

"Daddy," Jackson is talking to me, but the message is for mommy, "did you know that hamsters don't like to be woke up."

She looks at me with a knowing, 'here we go' look, "Yeah, they're very crabby and bite their owners all the time. The book says they like to hide, so if they get out of the cage you won't find them."

Jackson is encouraged, "But mouses don't mind at all. They like it. And they have good balance; they can walk across a whole stick without falling. But they aren't smart, not like rats."

"A rat is the most intelligent of all rodents," she adds, "but it smells." She squinches her face as if a smoking rat carcass were on the table.

"Not the female mommy," Jackson corrects her.

"True," she admits.

"So," I said, "then Jackson can get a rat for a pet?"

"Yeah! Can I mommy, pleeeeeease?"

My wife uses the force now, and my throat is starting to constrict.

"That is not funny honey," she warns, "do NOT encourage this."

Can't... breath... must... get... oxygen...

21 comments:

Chloe said...

I always wanted a pet cow. A penguin would be cool too. But rodents terrify me like nothing else.

Scott said...

I always wanted a monkey and a lion. I think this says something about our personalities, but I'm not sure what.

jenbeauty said...

I am with the wife on this one Scott...sorry!

Scott said...

Hmmm. I'm having a case of deja vu...

Sadie Lou said...

your wife is surrounded!
poor thing.
don't get a rat, Scott. People pay good money to rid their house of those things!

amberdusk said...

hahaha- what about a cute little hamster
they don't have those disgusting tails YUCK
sounds like you like to egg your wife on too:) hmmm like father like son

Tee said...

Hee hee... sorry, I'm with your wife.... rat... ew! - Especially after watching that show "Dirty Jobs". (Seen it?)

magnetbabe said...

Apparently I'm the only one who likes rats. I had a black and white spotted one as a kid. She was rescued as a baby from a lab. Her name was Ramona and she was awesome. She was cute, and smart and I swear she had a sense of humor. I was never big on hamsters, they were too cliche. But I definitely recommend rats as a first pet.

magnetbabe said...

Sorry Scott-
Just to clarify. I know you've had cats and stuff so it's not a first pet, what I meant was something your children can be fully responsible for.

Shesawriter said...

Scott,

I've wanted a pet rat for some time but DH won't let me get one. It's like Indiana Jones with the snake thingie. DH is terrified of rats. So we have a hamster. How friggen boring.

Tanya

The Zombieslayer said...

Geez, kids change their mind about what pets they want on a weekly basis. Or at least my kid does. :p

Angelle Trieste said...

I always wanted a cute little koala bear....a MINIATURE koala that'll stay small forever! Why? Because I don't like big animals. They're scary....

Jason said...

Oh man, I'm so animaled out between my four cats and two dogs, I can't imagine encouraging another mammal!

mr. schprock said...

I grew up wanting either a pet monkey, a robot, or an identical twin brother. Take from that what you will.

Beth said...

My niece has two pet rats. Ick!

Moni said...

Awwe, get him a rat. Kids grow up too fast and tomorrow you'll be remembering when he wanted a rat. But one sure fire way to make a child not want a certain pet is to make them clean up after said pet, unfortunately by then it's too late. Funny how the wee ones work us. :)

Miranda said...

"A whole stick!"

*cracks up*

The hamster idea is a good one. Except that they always die. Maybe
a rat would last longer.

I always wanted an Ocelot.
I still kind of do, but I know
it's not practical :P

Ultra Toast Mosha God said...

My brother and I had gerbils once.

I didn't really have a proper pet until I adopted a cat a few years ago. It was also albino. We nicknamed it 'Bowie' because it had a green eye and a blue eye.

When it weas happy it would dribble everywhere.

Its real owner moved away, taking the cat with her. It spent most of its time at our house and she never fed it.

We found out its real name was 'Colchester.'

Rubbish.

trinamick said...

I have a cat and two horses, but I've always wanted a monkey or a leopard. The monkey could do the dishes, and the leopard could run races with my horse. Or eat the neighborhood children. Fun either way.

Jenn said...

Hey, Scott! Just wanted to let you know I haven't forgotten you.

Scott said...

Sadie - I don't really want a rat. It's just fun to pick on my wife. But I had one when I was a kid and they are pretty cool.

Amber - You said it. There is a reason we had two boys. My wife is too much female for me to handle alone.

Tee - No, never saw Dirty Jobs. I can only imagine with shows like Fear Factor on the air.

MagnetBabe - I wouldn't mind any kind of pet really. Whatever the kids want would be fine with me. Mommy, however, does not have an iron constitution. I knew what you meant about the first pet thing. Johnny was my cat and was never like a pet to the kids anyway. Jackson held a kitten at a friends house and was smitten. He never treated Johnny like that.

Tanya - You and MagnetBabe would get along swell. That's cool about the hamster, but I know what you mean. I like an animal with some spunk.

Zombie - True, but once they get their heart set on a particular animal or toy, they won't rest until they have it.

Angelle - A big animal isn't scary if you've had it since it was small. By the way, I can't comment on your blog. Apparently my ip address is on the spammer list. I hope you read this comment. IP addresses are assigned dynamically, so I may have an ip address that someone else has used to spam with. Yikes.

Jason - I agree. You have your hands full.

Mr. Schprock - Once again it seems like we could have grown up together. I wanted a monkey too. And I wanted to create robots in the likeness of sesame street characters. The twin brother too. Weird.

Beth - Wimp!

Moni - I know what you mean. The problem with getting a kid a pet that he won't take care of, is that daddy must pick up the slack. Which means that mommy will ultimately have to do it, and thus her resistance.

Miranda - An ex-step-brother of mine swore by the ocelot. Hmmm. Funny you should mention it. Maybe I should look into it.

Toaster - I love well-thought-out names for pets. Bowie. That's classic.

Trina - I always wanted a wild cat too. You are lucky to have a couple horses, though you may not think so. The reality is always a bit dull compared to the dream. My son wants a horse more than anything, but we can't afford to board one right now.

Jenn - Thanks for dropping by again. I know how busy it gets, so drop by when you can!