Friday, August 26, 2005

Rockin' Robin

I met Robin in Houston on one of my family visits. I was living alone in my Lombard Street apartment, and dating whenever the opportunity arose. She wore too much makeup, as all Houstonian women do--to great effect I should add. In San Francisco and in cities and towns abroad, attention to one's personal appearance suffers from extreme modesty, or worse, unmitigated apathy. While I found Robin to be excessively adorned, I could appreciate the pride she took in her bearing.

She decided that she would pay me a visit, which struck me as a fortuitous development until she said, "But don't expect anything to happen between us."

I had been a sucker too many times in the past, and I wasn't looking forward to being one again. To one another, she had made it clear that we were the 'F' word. "Friends," said with a squinched, I-just-ate-a-lemon face. We had just finished discussing the details of the trip, and she cleverly waited to throw the F-bomb until the end, and I was trapped without a plausible way out.

The Queen of Sheba made good on her word and I dutifully picked her up at the airport.

"Oh Scotty, it's so good to see you!" She gave me a "friends" hug, with a couple of pats on the back. "You wouldn't believe the day I've had. The traffic was just awful on the way to the airport and I almost missed my flight. The flight attendants were just so rude! I asked to move my seat because the guy I was sitting next to smelled like sweaty armpits, and they wouldn't let me. I just can't stand a man who doesn't know how to use soap! And then my carry-ons. They wouldn't fit in the overhead bins so those aholes made me check them. This trip has just started out awful. And then..."

She yammered at me all the way to baggage claim and into the car, and my head started to ache like a needle in my brain.

"So," she said with a gasp. She had given coverage to every injustice she had suffered on her trip, so finally she changed the subject, "I have a lot to cover while I'm here. First the sleeping arrangements. I've decided that you don't have to give up your bed for me."

"Really? Gosh, thanks. You are truly one of God's nobler creatures."

She ignored my sarcasm. "So, I'll take the couch. Now I've got a lot of things to see while I'm here, so you'll have to take a few days off work. I'd like to do a wine tour in Napa one day, then take a trip to Lake Tahoe and do some skiing."

We had barely left the airport and I was already scheming to get rid of her. I had a couple friends that were walking hardons, and this little Filly would seem like a wet dream come true, long enough at least for me to get away.

I invited my friend Bob over, who never met a girl he didn't like. He took her out for a quick tour of the city, and was back within an hour. His face was exhausted and his eyes hollow as he preceded her through the door. He mouthed the word nightmare to me, then made a hasty exit.

"Bob, he was so much fun," she said to me. "Too bad he has to go home so quickly. I thought he was going to stay a while. Huh."

I had to switch to evil plan Z: Eric. He lived half way between me and Tahoe, and he loved pretty women, but had a much higher tolerance for bullshit. We drove out that night, and the two slept in the same bed together. He asked me first if it was ok, and I did my best to make it look like I was grappling with the concept. I heard her say as they went towards the room. "Now remember, two people can sleep together and be just friends."

"Of course," Eric said, but I knew he thought it was a game, one that he well knew how to play.

The next morning I pretended to be feeling sick, and asked Eric if he would take her on to Tahoe, which he gladly accepted. I said my teary farewell to Robin and peeled out of the parking lot before my luck ran out.

The were back at my apartment a few days later, and Eric had the same look on his face as Bobs. He tried get me to take her to the airport, but I was way ahead of him.


mr. schprock said...

This reminds me of the plot to the very first Seinfeld episode, but this was way better. Great story, Scott!

Scott said...

This story was written in extreme short hand. I haven't relayed the total nightmare that she really was. It was funny how everybody got so sick of her. I'd love to see squeegee give her the Joe treatment.

Miranda said...

"He loved pretty women, but had a much higher tolerance for bullshit."


jenbeauty said...

This is hilarious! I want to hear more about the "nightmare"

Shesawriter said...

Oh, Scott. You poor dear. (g) These days they have this service where you get a call on your cellphone so you can feign an emergency. Sorry it came too late for you. LOL!


magnetbabe said...

Ack. She sounds like a piece of work. Women who assume everyone wants to get their pants never fail to get under everyone's skin!

Scott said...

Miranda - That's a phrase straight from my vocal repertoire.

Jen - Yeah, there was a lot more to it, but it's all so hazy. Huh, kind of like a bad dream.

Tanya - That was sweet, but don't worry about it. I love those bad experiences, it gives me something to write about.

MagnetBabe - She was a little princess with a loud penetrating voice without an ounce of humility. I feel sorry for whoever her husband is today.

Scott said...

I just fixed four typos. I was in a hurry to get this out today, what with that pesky work thing to deal with.

Mr. T said...

Yeah, I try avoid that work thing for as long as possible. 'Office Space' is not just a movie, its a way of life ;)

Pretty good for a quick story and ingenious how you pawned this nightmare onto your friends. I'm just glad none of them hated you afterwards

Scott said...

Office Space. Now that was a movie I could relate to. Eric is still around today. Bob tried to pick up on my wife one too many times, and the rest is history.

Tee said...

LOL! Thank goodness this is one that wasn't given a chance to hurt you! Good job :)

Anonymous said...

We had barely left the airport and I was already scheming to get rid of her.

Awesome writing, Scott.

-The Zombieslayer (for some reason it's not letting me log in)

Lucy Stern said...

Boy, She sounds like a nightmare! Aren't you glad she is gone?

Beth said...

Nightmare women. You've had more than your fair share!

Trevor Record said...

Haha, yes people in Texas do tend to go a little overboard...

Kathleen said...

And to this day I'll bet she has no clue that she's obnoxious.