Too Good, Too Bad

We all have a place on the sexual food chain. The rules are much like those that drive stock prices, based purely on speculation. A particular stock may look like an attractive buy until you look at such factors as price-to-earnings or return-on-investment. Timing is everything. For me personally, I prefer to be the majority stock holder of a privately held, well-managed enterprise.

The Microsoft of my college days at Washington State was Jennifer. Jennifer Lund. I'm using her real name so that one day she might, on a whim, do a self-search on Google and turn up this page, and from it learn what she may or may not have already known. I don't know where she is today, how she is doing, or who she married--and for that I am sorry, because she was my friend.

I met her through one of my first friends at the start of my freshman year. Willy, simply put, was a ladies man. His blonde hair was buzzed short except for a pinky-sized pony-tail extending from the nape of his neck and tied with a rubber band. He always wore faded Levis 501 jeans with holes at the knee caps, and if he had more than one pair I cannot say. His smile was warm and his voice deep, which no doubt served him well in his pursuit of theatre arts. Willy established himself as the player of the group when two blonde hotties wandered by our dorm room and he invited them in. I was too shy to say much, so I sat in a corner as Willy turned on some music and danced with one of them. He ran his hands over her shoulders, down her sides, then down and behind. She put both her arms over her head and let the music take her away. I was in awe, and Willy became my new hero.

"She's nothing," Willy said to me when I congratulated him for his new connection with the nameless blonde. "I've got my sights set on a goddess."

And so he introduced me to Jennifer. At first I thought they were a couple, which was understandable because Willy was convinced of it, but Jennifer apparently had no idea. She was light and breezy, and some would say incredibly insipid--but I never believed it. Girls like her that measure twelve on the Richter scale can take many paths in life, and some play down their intelligence in order to widen the field; because ironically, she was probably a lonely girl.

All because of guys like me.

Fortune smiled upon me when I found that we had Astronomy together. When she first saw me in that auditorium, she skipped over and took an adjoining seat, a position she took every day for our semester together. I kept a straight face, but my heart raced every time she did. My attitude towards her--like my life depended on it--was consistent: I could care less.

I was having lunch at the dining hall with a handful of my floor mates. Jennifer walked up to me and tapped me on the shoulder.

"Hi Scott!"

I turned around and saw her, and my stomach rumbled like the inside of a lotto machine, with numbered ping pong balls bouncing randomly around. God she was perfect. My face, however, remained inscrutable.

"Hey," I replied with taut lips.

"Can we get together to study for our Astronomy test tonight?"

"I have plans."

"Oh, ok." She backed up a few steps.

"Um…” She stopped and looked at me hopefully. "Maybe I can free up. I'll give you call later."

She brightened at that. "Ok, so maybe I'll see you!"

When she was gone, everybody stared at me in stunned silence. Brady, a Spicoli wannabe surfer dude from Hawaii, said, "Get me a napkin. I just came."

It was a weekend night. I didn't have a car, and neither did my friends, and we weren't old enough yet to go to the bars in Moscow. My roommate Guy and a few others were in our dorm room playing Dungeons and Dragons when we heard a knock at the door.

I pulled the door open, but when I saw it was Jennifer and her girl friend, I closed it so that I filled the opening.

"What are you doing here?" I asked her.

"We had some plans tonight but they fell through. So we were sitting around, feeling kind of bored, and then I thought 'Scott might be around tonight!' What are you up to?" She tried to look around me, but I shut the door tighter.

"Nothing much really."

"Can we come in?"

"Uh, now is not a good time. So thanks for coming by."

She looked disappointed as I shut the door.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Guy asked me.

"I don't want her to see me playing D&D!"

"So what? She had a friend with her too!"

"I know man. I'm sorry."

The sad truth of it was, she was too beautiful to be my friend, or anything else for that matter. She reminded me of my place in life, and I took out my frustration on her. Today I would have let her in the door and let her laugh at me if she was so inclined, and I would laugh along with her. I'm so much more at ease with myself now.

Steve, The RA on my floor that year, had a friend that had that certain look, that air of confidence that oozed from every pore. His friend was over for the weekend and asked me if I knew any girls I could introduce him to. Jennifer was definitely in his league.

"Do you know her number?" he asked me. And I did. He dialed her up as Steve and I stared at each other, not quite believing he had the guts to make the call.

"Hello is this Jennifer?" he said into the phone. "I've been told by a friend that you are the hottest girl on campus, and I'd really like to meet you."

He paused and looked at us with a bemused expression. "Who gave me your number? Do you know Steve Kern?"

Steve jumped out of his seat. "It was SCOTT! I had nothing to do with it!"

At that, I jumped up and got in Steve's face, "Hey, she doesn't even know you, so shut your f--- mouth."

"Ok, hold on." Steve's buddy handed him the phone. "Here, she wants to talk to you."

"Oh Jesus." Steve snatched the phone away from him. "Listen, I..." His mouth dropped open and his buddy fell onto the bed laughing. "You son of a bitch! That wasn't funny."

I looked between them, not comprehending.

Steve said, "Dial tone. He never called her."