Friday, March 03, 2006

I'm Buggin'

I call them stink bugs, but now I don’t know why. They’re harmless and take residence in all my window panes, and I’ve become accustomed to opening the screen and giving them a flick like a child’s paper football, aiming for a spot and celebrating a successful field goal.

With the coming of the New England winter, these and other bugs take refuge where they can find warmth. We have a ladybug hut were resides a small colony that will be released in the spring, but stink bugs get the Roman thumbs down when momma finds them, and thus the executioner, ie moi, gives them a painless ham-fisted death, and a fast pass to the septic tank.

Brushing my teeth a week ago, a stink bug crawled from underneath our toiletry basket to say hi. Alone a bug has my sympathy; in hoards I call the exterminator. I thought briefly about squashing him and getting it over with. I threw one outside a month ago and haven’t slept soundly since—it’s freakin’ cold out there, and he had a drop of gasoline’s chance in a furnace of surviving. So I scooped him up and let him crawl on the back of my hand, and took him to a corner of the house that gave him the least chance of detection. By the next morning, he was back under the basket.

Then my wife spotted him and pronounced sentence. “Ok,” I said, “just give me a minute.” She waited patiently, tapping her foot. “Don’t worry, I’ll get to it. Go on now.” So she left, and I picked him up and started for that far corner once again.

“Daddy, aren’t you going to kill it?” Jackson asked. Both my boys were taking a bath, and my oldest was peering up at me.

“I’m going to hide it in the other room.”

“Can I see it?”

My youngest son Emmett agreed, “See bug!”

I put the stink bug under their noses, which caused Jackson to crash back into the tub wall as if I had Jedi powers, and he readily came to his mother’s point of view. And so it came to pass that a little mole revealed my deception.

“So you’ve been hiding the bug in your office have you?” My wife had that look on her face, that half amused expression she gets when I’ve done something clumsy.

“I’m gonna kill that kid!” I said facetiously.

But our little stink bug was given a pass, and my wife tacitly agreed to ignore him until the summer. I only prayed that he wasn’t a she.

Yesterday morning I felt a little crunch under my bare foot as I stepped out of the shower. He was a tough little dude, not quite dead as his antennae seemed to conduct the orchestra of his last rites. I covered him with a couple squares of toilet paper and finished the job. May he rest in peace.


Mrs.T said...

Okay, I hate bugs. It was cute that you tried to save it though, it sounds like something MrT would try and pull. Except that I make sure he takes it and tosses it outside... I don't trust him because I know he likes every creature... silly compassionate guy he is.. 'Its just a bug Amy, it can't hurt us' blah blah blah

I've heard the excuses, this is why I witness the execution. I am SO like hilter or something..

Jada's Gigi said...

I'm cracking up at the vision of Jackson crashing backwards in horror!!! lol
You're just an old softie at heart aren't ya?

Toni Anderson said...

I can't squash them. Actually I don't even know what a stink bug is.

I can throw bugs out into minus whatever temps :D I can poison them (I'm a woman afterall). I've even tried drowning cockroaches, but I can't squash them.

I did get invaded by 7 or 8 woodlice the other day? Why were they by my snow boots? Hmm. Not sure I even want to think about it.

We've been invaded by carpenter ants and mice in the last year and I am becoming very good at extermination!

Sadie Lou said...

I have a sneaking suspicion that you are on that short list of "Bug Friends" and I am on the bug list of "Bug Foes". I kill them when I see them.
They're on to me.

Kathleen said...

I have an agreement with bugs in my house, as long as they stay up high, they're safe. The second they come down and get near me, they're goners. I'm sorry, but the only bugs I save are ladybugs and pill bugs.

I'm not sure what a stink bug is though...can you give us the correct name? Or a description? Or a link?

trinamick said...

I think stink bugs smell like bananas. Don't know why. If they come near me once, they get thumped across the room. If they come back, they have a burial at sea on the USS Tidybowl.

Erin-erin-bo-berin said...

If it's a spider or other crawling bug, I'm like you. I carry it outside and release it. The exception to that rule are things that fly. I see one, and I run, screaming like a five year old!

Moni said...

Awwwe that was a sweeet story. I enjoyed it. You know I don't mind bugs unless they're roaches...aucchhh! I like crickets they're supposed to be good luck, so say the Chinese. I even had one I was keeping in my bathroom, until the cat got him. :(


The Zombieslayer said...

Heh. I'm the official spider killer in the house since Mrs. Z is allergic. We all kill the other bugs, except the neat-o ones that Junior collects. We keep those.

Shesawriter said...

I hate bugs more than anything else. I believe God put them on this earth to torture us. We have a lady bug infestation every spring. At first I thought they were cute, now I squish them wherever I find them. I'm merciless.


A. Darcy said...

I am a fan of the Oubliette theory of bugs. I find them , I cover them on the floor with an upside down cup and wait for MrBig to get home. He puts them outside. ...we only had an infestation once, I ran out of cups, so I called the exterminator. Poor bugs.

mr. schprock said...

When you die, you can count on the bugs' vote for passage into heaven.