Friday, July 07, 2006

Pig in a Dress

I pay an embarrassing amount of money for a membership at a local health club called the Thoreau Club. Last night they sponsored a barbeque that I was lead to believe was complimentary to pool members. Twenty bucks later, we were enjoying a cheeseburger apiece. The bathroom floors were awash in urine, so my wife inquired to maintenance. She was told that those bathrooms are cleaned every day.

Think about that. There were probably three hundred people in the pool area, roughly two thirds little kids. And they clean the bathroom every day. Have you ever seen a McDonald's bathroom when it isn't maintained every hour?

The condiments bar, stocked with lettuce, tomato, ketchup and the like, didn't have tongs to pick anything out with. My wife watched a man dig through the lettuce, like an eager child up to his elbow in Cap'n Crunch rummaging for the toy surprise, until he found just the right piece. All we could think was does this man wash his hands after he wipes--if he even wipes?

The club pretends to have class, but they could take a few plays from the Four Seasons handbook. You can adorn a pig in a dress, perfume and lipstick, but you still have a hairy hog that rolls in its own shit.

Next year it's the Y.


Update : I need a cool name for a crime family. Anyone want to try? Namely (ha ha ha) I would like a first name for the father and the underachieving son, and maybe a name for the son who is most like father. The older son is next in line, smarter, but not ruthless enough)


fringes said...

Yuck. On a more sanitary note: Happy Friday!

Bailey Stewart said...

Yuck is right. I think the Y maintains their bathrooms a lot more frequently.

Flood said...

Icky-icky. Talk about germ central. Even in a lovely bathroom I refuse to touch anything with my hands. I probably would have froze in my tracks at the Thoreau Club until the posse came to look for me.

Toni Anderson said...

Errrr. Yuk. And don't you hate paying when you think it is free bacause it is too late to say no!!!

I hope you write an official complaint. ;) Make 'em have it! As they say in Brum.

And unbeknownst to most men, girls can pee standing up!! Because sometimes it is just to grim to sit down.


Scott said...

Erica - You too!

Bailey - I think so too. My Y membership in San Francisco was just right. The place was immaculate and low stress.

Flood - You and my wife would get along famously!

Toni - Unbeknownst to most single men that is. Married men know too much to turn back.

Moni said...

Too funny Scott--like I've said you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. I love the way you write.

For your crime family name: let's see if I spell this correctly. "Scarpelli" conjures up mafioso type images to me. Anyway, just a suggestion.

my apologies to any Scarpelli's. ;P

Have a fabulous weekend Scott :)

Moni said...

oops! thought you were looking for a last name. Okay maybe...something old world and sinister: father: Victor
not so bright son: Dimitri
smarter son: Alexander

Wow sounds more like soap opera names. Ahhhhh hahaha!

Scott said...

Not bad Moni. I want both first and last names, so thanks!

mr. schprock said...

I see all the crime families going to the mattresses at the same time: Don Guido Linguini versus Angelo Tetrazzini; Mario Vermicelli versus Riggolito Rotini; Giuseppe Macaroni versus Antonio Manicotti.

It'll be fargin' war!

Anonymous said...

Ugh. I read this right before lunch!

Writing Blind said...

I hate public bathrooms, yuck, yuck, yuck. I think I need another shower now.

Jada's Gigi said...

just catching up on your last few posts....the Y is the place to be with little ones..:)
Love the post on the dog and the old lady...too sad

Miranda said...

Thoreauly disgusting ;).

A crime family? I don't know - does it have to be Italian?

StillWater said...

Wow! Semi permanent make up has alot of uses! But did you know that a woman consumes over 4 to 9 lbs of lipstick in her lifetime! Here is the link that I found that shows all of the research:

Scott said...

Mr. Schprock - You forgot Tony Rigatoni you rat bastard!

Jason - Sorry about that. Ooops.

Rebecca - Ha. By the way, you rock!

Cheryl - Yeah, I enjoyed that one too. Thanks for stopping by!

Miranda - Any kind of name will do as long as its cool!

Stillwater - Interesting. Stillwater found me by searching on the keyword lipstick on google. Spammers have to sing for their supper nowadays.

fringes said...

StillWater cracked me up. I had to read it a few times before realizing he wasn't exactly on point for the discussion. Thought I'd missed something. He was so friendly!

Dixie Belle said...

That place sounded gross, Scott! I have a pal who works at a community for the mentally-challenged. Last night she told me there is one guy, who is high-functioning, and he talked another one of the guys, we'll call him Ricky, into not taking his medication. Anyway, the poor Ricky who didn't take his meds ended up with diarrhea. He messed all over himself and he got poop all over his hands. So, my friend said they told him: Ricky, go wash your hands. Well, he starts licking his hands clean. And that really happened! EWWW!

They are a great site and have tons to chose from.

Bernita said...

Alastair Malcoeur?
sons Merritt (Manfred/Maxwell) and Marvin or Melvin?

Perhaps go over a list of male given names?

Anthony J. Rapino said...

Oh good God.

I don't know which part is more annoying, the bathroom, the tongless buffet, or the hidden pricetag.

I would have raged.

Names? I assume yo meant first names:
Sal (Salvador)
California Joe
Franky Jackets

Eh, I dunno.

Jaye Wells said...

All I can say is "ewww."

Now on to the names:

Joseph Manetti Sr.
Joey Jr.
Franky Fingers (Francis)
Tony the Teeth

Sorry, I like alliteration.

Janie said...

I'm with Dixie Belle. Gross. I am sick just reading your post. I don't go places like that. I am very picky about where I eat out, too. And an open bar is not one of them. I never do that.

The Y is sure to be cleaner.

Kathleen said...

Unbelievably disgusting. Thanks so much for sharing. ;-)

I don't have a specific name, but go for something different - make them something other than Italian, otherwise it's too Soprano-esque.

I'd say something that doesn't scream an ethnicity. Be subtle.

Flood said...

You can't go wrong with names like John, Joseph, Peter, Anthony. Biblical, yeah, but they don't immediatley imply ethnicity. And you can shorten them to their variations.

As for last names, I'd go with something short, so you don't have to type something long all the time. Check the phone book?

Scott said...

Erica - I read it through too and thought the same. You have to admire the effort.

Dixie - Thanks for the disgusting story! And the link. It's nice having so many writers as readers as I move along my path. Really, thanks.

Bernita - Dixie sent me an interesting link if you want to follow it. Your names are quite inventive. I like something original like that.

Tony - You've done this before! Franky Jackets. That's pretty cool.

Jaye - Nice suggestions. Franky Fingers. Tommy the Teeth. Cool!

Janie - I know, can you believe it!?

Kat - I was thinking the same thing. Something that vaguely suggests a mysterious beginning.

Flood - Thanks for the suggestions. This is the hardest part of a new story for me, the names.