Monday, February 05, 2007

The Handy Man Can

After a year and a half of lukewarm showers, I decided to take action and replace the heating elements of my hot water heater. There is a little faucet at the base of the heater tank, which was too clogged with sediment to run, so I removed the top heating element, about one-third of the way down the tank. This is akin to removing a very large cork. I caught the water in a garbage can, which spouted like Austin Powers' marathon leak after waking from deep-freeze.

There is another element near the base of the tank, too low from which to catch water in a garbage can, so I decided instead to reexamine the faucet. I had been intimidated to do so before because of the mess it would make, but what the hell now. I had just made a huge one. It's kind of like getting the first scuff on your new shoes, or bird shit on the windshield pulling out of the car wash. The next one is old news. So, after removing the faucet head and poking a clothes hanger into the tank, the water started flowing again. It was embarrassingly easy.

After pulling them both out, I could see that the old elements were perfectly functional. Ooops. Oh well. I replaced them anyway with the new ones and put it all back together, filled the tank with water again, and cranked her up. With much anticipation, I took a shower the next morning. No difference.

Khaaaaan!

So then I did the unthinkable. What any sane person would have done in the first place. I turned the temperature up.

Voila. Hot shower.

In a concentric ring surrounding my hot water heater, like Dante's seven rings of hell, lie refuse, scattered tools, discarded packaging and ruddy sediment. The detritus of a dirty bomb.

Need a handy man? Here, take my card. It reads: Wile E. Coyote, soooper genius.

14 comments:

jason evans said...

Ouch. That's a forehead-smacking moment. Oh yeah, I've had plenty of those.

On the bright side, you get credit for the replacement work, regardless of whether it was necessary. Props!

Bailey Stewart said...

You didn't by any chance have the ghost of my father helping you, did you? *gg*

That was life in my house.

magnetbabe said...

That last line was priceless.

Beth said...

Scott, that was friggin' hilarious!

Jada's Gigi said...

Oh duh! glad you aren't my handi man...of course that would never happen in my house cause my handy man...isn't :) You get an A+ for effort!

mr. schprock said...

Not that I'm trying to one-up you or anything, but one time I unplugged a drain with a snake. It was the proudest moment of my life.

The Zombieslayer said...

Oh well. I replaced them anyway with the new ones and put it all back together, filled the tank with water again, and cranked her up. With much anticipation, I took a shower the next morning. No difference.

Khaaaaan!

Ha ha! I got that joke and actually laughed out loud at it. I now have that image stuck in my head of Mr. Shatner trying to act. (That was the best of the 6 movies by the way)

Patricia said...

At least you have hot water now! There's nothing like a do-it-yourself project!

Captain Berk said...

Khan broke my boiler too.

I was out on an away mission after one of our squash matches, and I let him use my quarters before he headed back off to his ship.

He spent 137 minutes in the shower and the warp core on the heating tank suffered a critical meltdown.

Scotty said that the effects were felt throughout the whole ship.

When I got back from phaser blasting some non-descript race or another, the wily old rogure had vanished.

Still, now that I have his ship for myself, I can get my revenge and destroy his.

Ha!

Toni Anderson said...

OMG. You know, I think there is a gene coded for being *handy* It must be on that missing bit of chromosome that guys don't have.

You are so funny. I must tell my husband :)

Toni Anderson said...

PS. That was such a sexist comment--I apologize. I'm just thinking about my beloved :)

Scott said...

Toni! No offense taken. Quite the contrary.

Toni Anderson said...

oh good :)

Alan said...

Officially. I am adopting the exclamation "Khaaaaan!" in this context.

Mouth-wide-open funny.