Sunday, May 14, 2006

I Hope You Can Hear Me

As usual, it took someone else to remind me that today was a special day. It's been something like five years since you've been gone. Since then my life has taken off in a radically different direction. I'm glad you met Jackson, and little Emmett would have been such a treat for you. I happened upon an old video of you holding baby Jackson, making him laugh like nobody could. I hollered to my wife, "Hey, it's my mom." Jackson came running to see. "I don't remember her," he said dispassionately, but he watched with me.

When you were alive, I was so close to my aunt, and even my step-mother Lorrie. You were always so jealous. But without you I am lost, doing it alone. My aunt calls me now to find out where I've been, and I hardly speak to Lorrie anymore. I hope you know that you were always number one, even when I lost the capacity to show it. I don't feel sorry for myself though, because I know that you understand. You were many things, but never a hypocrite.

Sorry it took me so long to remember that today was your day. Sometimes I think there is a lump of clay in my head, and you're not around to help shape it. Maybe someday I will be a writer, and maybe someday the world will feel the heat from the furnace you lit, that burns for still you today.

I miss you, and I hope you can hear me.

11 comments:

Ultra Toast Mosha God said...

I would say that the presence of your mother as an influence in your life goes beyond remembering a particular day, manifesting itself instead in your thoughts and actions.

Bailey Stewart said...

My turn to cry. Maybe you ought to write down those good memories so that Jackson and Emmett can get to "know" their grandmother.

jason evans said...

A powerful tribute, Scott. I'm sure she would treasure being remembered like that.

Kathleen said...

Very nice. You made me tear up. Sadly, I'm simply proud of myself for spending all day yesterday with my mother and never once felt annoyed with her.

Moni said...

Scott you make me cry man. I'm sure she knows how you felt about her.

mr. schprock said...

I think your mom would be proud of how things have turned out for you and your family, Scott.

Claire said...

I don't cry often, but made me tear up. As an only child, I am getting to the point where I fear the day a parent passes. I have good memories of childhood, and can relate well as adults...I only hope it's enough.

Toni Anderson said...

I can't imagine my mom not being there--my dad either.

Scott said...

Toast - That's a nice way to think about it--and you are right. The only way to honor a parent is to live this life as best we know how.

Eve - Good idea. I'm so good at remembering the bad--I'm not sure if I can.

Jason - Thank you. I hope so.

Kat - I know exactly how you feel!

Moni - I appreciate that Moni, thanks.

Mr. Schprock - I think so too. I just have a few regrets, but who doesn't that has lost a parent.

Claire - I know how you feel. I still have my father, and the fear grips me sometimes that I will inevitably lose him some day.

Toni - It's the built-in tragedy of life that we must someday lose our parents. I feel for Eve who has to watch this happen slowly. With my mom it was mercifully fast.

Bailey Stewart said...

Thank you Scott. With my father it was three weeks and he was gone. I think the lingering - whether it's Alzheimer's or something else - is the hardest.

Jada's Gigi said...

This is very touching...